He's Just Not That Into Me

Dear Swing Enthusiast,

Apple Guy and I broke up last night. Please disregard my last entry. It was wishful thinking. In a word: denial. In fact, forget everything I ever said about Apple Guy. I was wrong.

The truth is he's just not that into me. I had a teacher who lived by that book, He's Just Not That Into You, which they're now making into a movie starring Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, and Drew Barrymore- you know, women that everybody is into. Give me a break!

It all started on Sunday. After my last entry, I was beginning to suspect Apple Guy was, indeed, just not that into me; however, he seemed determined to prove me wrong. I went to a much-romanticized annual Easter bonnet promenading event with Peggy, wearing one of her amazing hat creations (she's an extraordinary milliner) on loan to me for the day. Much to my surprise, Apple Guy came with his parents to see me in my vintage glory. Ladies and gentlemen, he wanted to introduce me to his parents. The Apple Parents took pictures of Apple Guy and I promenading together. It was as if I was at my own engagement party, but I'd never even kissed the groom. It was weird.

I couldn't get the gesture of dragging his parents across town on a holiday to see me wearing a pretty hat out of my mind. On Monday, while I was daydreaming about Apple Guy, I got a very unexpected text message from The Chief.

The Chief: I dreamt about u in ur easter bonnet / in my dream it was all u were wearing / talk about a happy easter

Unbelievable. You can't just text that to a girl out of the blue! At least attempt to warm me up to such a comment first. Test the waters a little! (Although, I doubt there is anything he could have written that would have made me swoon.) This is, of course, all less than a week after I turned down his offer to whisk me away to Costa Rica to share his vacation and, I can only assume, his bed. The Chief still thinks he has a chance of laying me! The more I look at The Chief, the more I see a dirty old man who I've been blind to for entirely too long. He may smell really, really good and treat my like a princess, but nice words don't mean as much when they come with strings attached. I'd had just about enough!

Last night was pretty uneventful in terms of classroom drama. I had some balance issues when it came to the Charleston and felt generally out of practice, but I enjoyed many exhilarating dances despite my two left feet. Apple Guy, The Chief, a new bashful boy I'll call "Grizzly Adam" (yes, he has a beard), and a host of other leaders asked me to dance. I enjoyed myself immensely!

Apple Guy had to leave the practice session early, because the Apple Parents were still in town. Before he left, we attempted to have a conversation off on the side of practice. Much to Apple Guy's disappointment, I kept getting asked to dance. I had just enough time to ask after his parents and tell him about The Chief’s tawdry text. I danced long after he left and began my solo walk to the subway one exhausted step at a time. Just before I got on the subway, I received a text from Apple Guy. The evidence speaks for itself:

Apple Guy: i had a dream that the chief was wearing nothing but your easter bonnet. creeped me out.

Me: Eewww! You’re disgusting. I love it!

Apple Guy: thought you’d like that. seriously you looked so great on easter. nice to see you having fun.

Me: Hey, I didn’t tell you yet. I found a roommate and I have a move out date of June 1. Big step!

Apple Guy (sent before he read my last text): so, were you watching me to see if i was checking out laura tonight?

Me: What!? Who’s Laura?

Apple Guy: slim, attractive girl in our classes.

Me: The pretty Asian girl?

Apple Guy: yes. i felt like you were watching me very closely when we were talking after class.

Me: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.

Apple Guy: sorry. it’s just me being paranoid. i didn’t mean to ruin our conversation about the chief’s naked easter romp. ignore me.

But, of course, I could not ignore him.

Me: I think we’re just meant to be friends, Apple Guy. I’m obviously not your type. You’re feeling guilty or weird about talking to other girls at swing. There’s no pressure. We’ll always have hot cocoa…

Apple Guy: i like hot cocoa. :-( i feel bad because I really like you and you are so good to me. but you are right when you say you are not my usual type.

I didn’t know what to say I was so confused and offended. But at least he was honest.

Me: I would never want someone to be half-heartedly into me. I’m adorable and special. And you’re sweet and I’m glad you’re my swing friend.

Apple Guy: you are so adorable and special. swing would be so boring without you! this is a hard conversations to have over text. i don’t know how you’re feeling right now.

How was I feeling? Really stupid and foolish sounds about right.

Me: I’m fine. Really. This is what I want too. I was just getting mixed messages and didn’t really know how I felt about it either way.

Which is actually true.

Apple Guy: yeah, I was all mixed up about it, too.

Obviously.

Apple Guy: can I still text you about my naked chief dreams?

Me: Well, I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.

Apple Guy: and email you naked pictures of myself?

Me: Save that for the Asian women…

Apple Guy: gasp. but well said and well deserved.

And we left it at that. I felt like my phone was kicking me in the teeth with every new message notification buzz. I felt pathetic and needy and clownishly redundant. It wasn't that I was in love with Apple Guy. Far from it. But Apple Guy represented the possibility of someone decent, charming, and vaguely my age (!) who actually wanted to pursue me. He made me feel like my newfound break up was the start of something endearing and new, rather than the end of all happiness as I knew it.

I suddenly felt like maybe I would never, ever find someone who really saw and adored only me. Me.

I came home and gave into the ultimate comforting temptation. I softly, achingly kissed my ex girlfriend while she slept. At least she would wake up and kiss me back. But then I remembered part of the reason we were no longer officially "together" is because I did not feel "kissed back" by her with any consistency. I held her tightly to me and realized for the billionth time that I have never loved anyone as much as I do her and most of the time it felt like I never, ever would. I rested on the warmth of my unsatisfying lover’s body and suffocated on self-pity until sleep put me out of my misery, if only for a little while.

Sincerely,

Sara